Cheaters
by HeavyMetalBarbie
Summary: Edward has had it bad for Bella since 7th grade. Its junior year, and Mike and Bella have been going out for six months. He knows that Mike cheats on her with her best friend. So, Edward and the gang do everything they can to sabotage their relationship.
1. The Pencil Incident

**Full Summary: Edward has had it out for Bella since they were in seventh grade. Its junior year and Mike and Bella have been going out for six months. Edward knows that Mike cheats on her with her best friend Jessica and he wants to tell her, but he knows he can't. Due to a Biology assignment, Bella and Edward start to grow closer. Edward and the gang do everything they can to sabotage Mike's relationship with her, so Edward and Bella can have a happily ever after. ****Rated M for potty mouths and sexytimes. It's deliciously OOC, but who cares!**

**This story was inspired by a one-shot called The Virginity Heist by Pastiche Pen and gallantcorkscrews, who are both my favorite Twilight fan fiction writers. Their new oneshot has absolutley _nothing_ to do with the plot of this new story I just posted, but I read it, laughed my ass off, and started writing this.**

**SO GO READ THE VIRGINITY HEIST. IT'LL KICK YOUR ASS.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is le owner. **

**By the way, this is my first time writing a lemon. Enjoy, hos.**

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Pencil Incident**

_God, I am such a fucking pervert. _I thought with self-disgust as I unzipped my pants, and pulled my hard cock out of the slit in my boxers.

_Bella naked and on her knees, looking into my eyes as she sucked me off._

_Bella rolling the nipple of her left breast in her hand, the other hand sliding across her stomach to the hem of her panties. Her hand slipped inside._

I rested my left palm against the wall in front of me, my right hand in my pants. As I threw my head back, I squeezed the tip a few times and let the blood rush back in. Not even bothering to take the time to construct a fantasy, I let random images of Bella float through the inside of my mind. On her knees, or legs parted as she touched herself in front of me, her reflection in a mirror as I fucked her from behind...

The possibilities are endless.

I ran my hand along my length slowly, as my dick started to harden a little more.

_Bella's sweet moans as I hovered over her, running my tongue over her pebbled nipples. She threaded her fingers in my hair, trying to hold me in place. "Fuck," she panted softly. "Edward... fuck." _I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. I ran my fingers along all the engorged veins on my cock. Pre-cum began to ooze all the way down to the underbelly of my dick. I gripped my cock with two fingers and my thumb, long strokes from the ridge of the tip to the base, and back again, and back again... faster and faster...

_I slid her panties off of her ankles and settled myself in between her legs. As I parted her knees, I looked in wonder at the only part of Bella I've never seen. Her hair was in a perfect triangle, and her glistening wetness looked absolutely delectable. Her scent hit me like roundhouse kick in the face; it smelled just like her skin. Strawberries and watermelons, only muskier. My hand ghosted along her inner thigh. "Tell me what you want, Bella."_

_She raised herself on her elbows and looked up at me, biting her lip. "You know what I want."_

_My hand traveled to her slickness and I lightly ran a finger over her. "I won't know unless you tell me, Bella." I shoved a finger inside her._

_She gasped delicately. "Is this what you want?"_

_She moaned but shook her head. I added another finger and shoved them farther into her. "Ohhh! Mmmm...." My thumb rubbed vigorously against her clit and she gasped again._

_"Edward... Edward, please..."_

_"Please, what? Tell me what you want, baby." I sped up my movements._

_Her mouth opened into a perfect little "o" as she let out a long, lusty moan. "Unng... I want... your mouth... on my clit." She said in between pants._

_I smiled and ducked my head down as her breathing began to speed up in anticipation. Without warning, I roughly grabbed her ass and pulled her hips toward me, so I could plunge my tongue as far inside her as possible. Her response was captivating. She screamed once, and then began grinding her hips along my face moaning loudly "Edward... Edward... Edward" like an erotic mantra. She buried her fingers deep into my hair as I fucked her with my tongue as hard and deep as I could until I felt it was time to pay attention to the thing she asked for in the first place. I slipped a finger where my tongue had just been and flat-tongue-d her clit. _

_Judging by the moans and the screams and the "fuck me"'s, I was confident saying that Bella was fucking _loving_ it._

_I spun her clit with my tongue in loose circles, and then I caught it in between my lips and began to suck hard, then soothing the throbbing clit with my tongue. I felt her thighs begin to shake, and her fingers in my hair were now yanking hard. Her girly little gasps now became frenzied pants. "Ed... ward - I'm - going... uhh... I'm gonna cum-"_

I felt the muscles in my abdomen suddenly constrict, the dull pain suddenly erupted, sparks shooting through all my veins and out through my entire body. My fucking splooge speckled my hands and started to ooze over my knuckles and forearm.

You... have got to be fucking kidding me. I came before she did! _I hope this isn't some kind of fucking omen or something. _I sighed heavily, and began to clean off my hands with the toilet paper in the stall, while also trying to make sure no spunk ended up on the bathroom floor. I wanted to leave here without my DNA on the floor like a big neon sign saying 'EDWARD WANKED HERE'.

Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot to tell you a few things.

I jerk off in school-restrooms. The ones that no-one uses, anyway.

And that I have a crush on Bella Swan. _Understatement of the fucking year. _Okay, edit: I'm completely and utterly pussy-whipped over Bella Swan.

I haven't really seen her naked.

She has no interest in me what-so-ever.

Oh, and she has a boyfriend.

A _fucking_ boyfriend.

A.

Fucking.

Boyfriend.

_Fuck my life._

There was no-one on Earth that I hated more than Mike Newton. That asshole thinks he's such hot shit. He plays Varsity Football, struts around campus with his faggoty-ass Letterman's jacket that just makes him look like he's in the Gryffindor House from Harry Potter ('cause of our school colors), with Bella on his arm like she's some kind of fucking accessory, instead of a woman.

He cheats on her.

With her best friend.

Mike and Bella have been going out for about six or seven months. He's been fucking Jessica Stanley for eleven months. Every motherfucking day I have to hear about him in the locker room bragging about the shit he does with Jessica behind Bella's back, which I'd much rather hear than the shit he says Bella and him have done before. I swear to God, every time he talks about Bella and him together like that, he says it just for me. He knows I like her.

Everyday I wonder why the fuck I haven't told her yet. God fucking knows that I've had more than enough chances to. She's my Biology lab partner fifth period, she's the library aid while I'm in Study Hall sixth period, and her rusty ass truck is parked next to me everyday... she even lives on the same street as me. Whenever I see her on his arm, or nuzzling into his shoulder, or laughing at something he said... I die a little on the inside. Because the shit he's done to her, the things he says about her... Nobody deserves that.

Well... maybe Jessica Stanley does.

That fuckin' catty ho has been best friends with Bella since kindergarten. Bella would do anything for her because she's that nice of a person. She only sees the good in people. So, while Bella is picking Jessica's little brother up from daycare, Mike is fucking Jessica eight ways from Sunday on Bella's bed. Then, Jessica will leave and Mike will wait at her house until she gets home, and him and Bella will be doing the same shit him and Jessica were doing only thirty minutes earlier.

It fucking kills me, because I'd treat her so much better than that.

I opened the stall and walked to the sink to wash the stickiness of dried cum off the rest of my hands. _This shit has got to stop. I'm such a creeper._

I heard the jingle of the doorknob and the creak of it opening. _Fuckdammit... okay, act cool... wash the jizz off your hands... don't look at him. Don't you look at him._

"Sup, faggot," a raspy voice with a watered down southern accent greeted me. _Oh, it's just fucking Jasper. _I thought with relief, than annoyance. "It smells like hormones in here, Edward. And you look like you just finished beating off." I scrubbed my hands a little harder. This dude could read me like a fucking book.

I looked in the mirror. My face was a little flushed, and there was a light sheen of sweat on my forehead. _So fucking obvious._

_"_You _did_, didn't you?" Jasper started laughing. "What did Bella do this time? Did her arm brush yours again?"

"Suck my cock, Jasper. It's not any of your fucking business. And what the fuck are you doing in here anyways? Don't you have Mrs. Goff right now?"

"Mrs. Goff wants inside my chonies, man. She lets me do whatever the fuck I want, so I decided to take a break and smoke a cigarette. And I don't get the big fucking deal, you're gonna end up telling me this shit anyways," he said as he dug through his cut up denim jacket for a pack of Lucky's. He handed me a stick and lit me up. "So... what the fuck happened?"

I inhaled, held it in my lungs for a bit, and then blew the smoke from out of my mouth. "It's fucking embarrassing, man."

Jasper inhaled his cigarette and rolled his eyes. "Jacking off in unused bathrooms over it is a little more embarrassing, if you ask me. I think you've almost reached homeless guy status."

"Eat my grandma."

* * *

_Prior to the jerk-off incident..._

It was May in Forks, which meant that it didn't rain all that much. But it was still cold as tits so people still wore heavy jackets and long sleeves. Today was different, though. The sky was a beautiful mix of yellow, pink, and orange and the air was a little too warm to wear the usual Forks attire, so girls were finally able to come to school in thin shirts and tank tops. At lunch, Jasper noticed I was a little anxious because I'd be able to see Bella next period. And today was test day in Biology.

Test day was possibly the highlight of my every week. Bella would always drop her pencil in the beginning of the test. Every fucking time. I would bend over to pick it up, making sure my hand brushed hers when I gave it back and she would always smile and her cheeks would heat up to a light shade of pink. She would murmur a low "thank you, Edward" and get back to her work.

Getting excited over that made me feel like a fifth grader, but it _still_ was considered the highlight of my week.

In the lunchroom, Bella's table was perpendicular to the table that me, Jasper, my brother Emmett, his bitchass girlfriend Rosalie, and my awesome ass ex-girlfriend Tanya sat at. Bella sat with her douche cookie of a boyfriend, and her bitchface of a best friend. Aside from those two, the other people she hung out with were pretty cool. Alice Brandon was her other best friend. She sat next to me in my second period English class. She's known that I had a crush on Bella since seventh grade, and everyday Alice will tell me little things about Bella in exchange for information about Jasper. Angela was another good friend of hers, and she was in Band with me fourth period, the one before lunch. Ben was Angela's boyfriend who used to play video games with me and Emmett in sixth grade. Lauren and her boyfriend Tyler were pretty fuckin' chill, too, but rest of the people sitting there were just kind of... _there_.

I started to spend my lunch staring at her like a creep, not even touching the food Tanya brought me. Today she was wearing a pear of light jean shorts that reached mid thigh, and a tight white hoodie. I wondered why she even bothered wearing that hood to school, its way too hot outside for that shit. But she looked even more beautiful than usual, the sun brought out a reddish tint in her hair that I rarely ever got to see, and I'd never seen that much of her skin before. My mind started to wander down a dangerous path, wondering what her exposed legs would feel like underneath the pads of my fingertips...

I was snapped out of my reverie by a fist slamming on the table.

"The fuck, dude!" I exclaimed, a little fucking startled.

"Dude, who the fuck pissed in _your_ orange juice?" Jasper asked, looking upset.

"Nobody, I just zoned out. What the cunt is your problem?"

"I'm trying to ask you a goddamn question and you're too busy thinking about busting a nut in Bella's face to fucking hear me!"

I was about to reach over the table to deck him in the face, when Tanya gasped. "Jasper! Do you have any idea what that'd mean if someone heard you! Fuck! Shut your goddamn mouth!"

"No. Every fucking day he never eats his fucking lunch 'cause he's too busy fantasizing about Bella-" he turned to glare at me -"who's_ taken_, and everyday I try to get some off of him, and he's not even fucking listening! So, fuck you, Tanya. Maybe if you'd make _me _a lunch for once, shit like this wouldn't happen!" Tanya's jaw dropped, but before she could tell his ass off, or _beat _his ass up, Rosalie cut in.

"Shut your fucking gob, Jasper. You're acting like a whiny old bitch," she said with indifference as she looked at her reflection in one of those compacts. And I had to admit, she could be such a stereotypical, vain... _bitch,_ but she knew how to put her cousin Jasper in his place.

Emmett started to chuckle. "Heh, he sounds like a whiny old bitch _on the rag_."

Everybody was quiet. Well, Emmett was still laughing at his stupid joke. I shook my head at him. "Sorry bro, but you just erased everything cool your girlfriend just said with that."

Jasper groaned. "I have to get the fuck outta here. You guys are assholes." He shot up, his chair scraping against the linoleum loudly. "If you little bitches need me, I'll be in Edward's car." And with that, he left.

"What... the hell... was that?" Tanya said, lifting an eyebrow in confusion.

"That, my dear, is Jasper after my aunt takes his car away. Now Edward has to pick him up everyday from school and he's still pissed about it," said Rosalie.

"I get that. I'd be pissed too if I had to ride with my little brother here everyday." Emmett shrugged.

I raised my eyebrow. "Really?" He nodded. "Ouch, my pride. You think Rosalie Hale is cooler to ride with than I am?"

"Well..." A dopey grin spread across his face, and I had a feeling he was gonna say something gross, so I cut him off.

"You know what?" I interrupted. "Don't even say anything. I already know you're gonna say 'she _does_ give amazing road head' or something that's equally as gross."

Emmett laughed.

Rosalie smiled.

Tanya shuddered.

Everyone at my table stopped paying attention to me, so I chanced another look at Bella's table again. Mike had arm around her, and she had a big grin on her face while she was talking to Angela. She buried her face into his shoulder, laughing. Jessica saw this and stared at Mike with a scowl on her face. Mike smirked and rolled his eyes to Jessica, as if Bella was annoying the shit out of him, just by showing him affection. Looking at that made my chest start to feel tight and a look of dread began to flood my face. I bit my lip to keep from crying, because I'm such a fucking baby. Rosalie glanced at me for a second, and then she noticed my face, her eyes widening. She looked over at Emmett, who wasn't paying attention at all and then back to me. Her expression softened, and I think she guessed why I was feeling like that. She opened her mouth to say something about it, but Tanya noticed what was going on, and decided to talk to her about some lame ass show on VH1. Because Tanya knew I didn't want Rosalie's fucking pity.

I looked down at my lunch and didn't look over at Bella's table again. I forced the food down my throat, even though at the beginning of lunch I had no intention of eating it.

When the bell rang, I made sure to thank Tanya for the food, before heading over to Biology.

______

I was on my way to the Tech Building, where Mr. Banner's Biology class was, when somebody tapped me on my right hip. I looked down to the side of me, only to Alice's short ass smiling up at me.

"What's going on?" I asked, trying to hide the fact that I was ready to kill somebody who started with a 'M' and ended in 'ike that grandma-fucking Newton.'

"Nothing really, I just wanted to ask why the hell Jasper stormed out there like some pissed off toddler," she chuckled.

I chuckled along with her. "Oh, yeah. I wasn't paying attention to him while he was asking me something, so he diva-ed out on us and left."

She laughed. "That's it?" I nodded. "Well, that's not as funny as I imagined. At first we all thought something was wrong, you guys were pretty fucking loud."

I stopped dead in my tracks. _Shit, what if they heard Jasper?_ It didn't look like Bella'd heard me. When I'd looked over again, she was laughing and grinning with Angela. You'd think if she heard that shit, she would at least be looking over at me, or approaching me to tell me what a sick fuck I was. No, she didn't hear me. But I was about to face Bella and I didn't want to spend all period worrying about that shit so I decided to ask.

Alice raised her eyebrow at me, and I realized that I wasn't walking anymore. "Did he say something that we weren't supposed to hear?"

We started walking again. "Yeah, he's such a dick. He basically threw a hissy fit, saying 'I was too busy thinking about busting a nut in Bella's face instead of paying attention to him'. He sounded like a clingy fucking girlfriend. Then Tanya started to yell at him, and he said shit back, but then Rosalie owned him and he went to go smoke a cigarette in my car."

She started to fucking giggle, and that shit was kind of contagious. But I was still worried about them hearing. She noticed my face and stopped laughing. "If it makes you feel any better, we couldn't tell what the fuck you guys were saying. We couldn't understand what all of you were saying, we just saw the fact that you were all yelling at each other, and it looked hilarious."

I nodded, relieved as fucking hell. She slapped me on the back. "Well, I have Spanish next, so I'm leaving. But I just wanted to know what happened between you guys." She smiled.

"I'll see you later, then." I smiled back. "Good luck with Jasper, if he actually shows up to Spanish." she smiled and mouthed 'thank you'.

When she turned to leave, I knew I forgot to tell her something. "Alice, wait!" She stopped and turned around, looking a little fucking alarmed. "I forgot to tell you this morning in English, but on the way to school Jasper told me that he thinks you're really fucking hot."

She squealed, which I was guessing meant 'holy fucking shit, yay!' in girl language. The warning bell rang, signaling that we had only two more minutes left to get to class, so we went our separate ways.

She skipped the entire way to class.

______

I got to class about a minute later, really fucking hoping that Bella was already at our lab table. That way I wouldn't be bouncing in my seat waiting for her. I would just have to walk in, act cool, and sit down.

So of course our table would be fucking empty when I got there. _Fucking typical._ I sat down and pulled out my notebook, writing down the Bell Work. A moment later I stiffened when I felt Bella coming. _Heh, heh, I stiffened when I felt Bella coming._ Like an eighth grader, I found that hilarious. But anyway, I actually did _feel_ her walking toward me. Like fucking _felt_ it. Not like gay ass electricity you read about in books, but just warmth. I was always warm when Bella was around. Always.

When she pulled out her chair, I felt eyes on my back and turned around, seeing Mike leaning in the doorway staring at me. _Oh, he's just too fucking cool. _I thought with sarcasm. A whole fucking lot of sarcasm. I flipped him the double bird at the same time as the bell rang, and he rolled his eyes and started walking to the office. That motherfucker did that three times this week, dropping Bella off, almost making her late, and then standing by the doorway to stare at me. Well shit, if he did that three times already... that means that his retarded ass has had three tardies this week... which meant that he would have lunch detention on Monday and Tuesday! _Hell fucking yes!_

"You look... happy today," Bella observed, smiling at me. The teacher was on the phone right now, so all of the students were talking instead of finishing the Bell Work. "Why is that...?" she asked. _You're fucking boyfriend -who cheats on you- will have lunch detention the beginning of next week. Which means I get to stare at you all I want at lunch. Heck yes!_

"Uhh... uhm, well, its test day today." _God, fucking stupid._

"_That's_ why you're in such a good mood?" she asked, grinning but raising an eyebrow at me.

"Yah, I really fucking love tests." I kept nodding my head like an idiot. _Edward, maybe it'd be the best idea to shut the fuck up right now._

"Well... that's kind of silly," she said, still fucking smiling. _Shouldn't her face hurt really badly right now?_ "You looked really sad at lunch today - everyone at you're table was freaking yelling-but all that cheers you up is a Biology test?" she asked, kind of not believing, but still FUCKING smiling. I shrugged my shoulders, giving her a small smile. "Hmmm..." she murmured.

_Nice going Edward, one of the few times that she actually fucking talks to you, you screw that shit up._

I had to argue with myself. I already know I'm fucking crazy, so don't worry about it. _She was smiling at me the entire time, maybe she thought it was cute or some shit._

_Nope,_ my inner voice said back to my inner voice. _She was just being polite. She probably thinks you're a douche bag._

_Fuck... she's probably right._

_She is. Now quit talking to yourself._

_Well... okay._

_You're still doing it._

I heard a weird sound, so I turned to my right and saw Bella unzipping her tight little white jacket. _Please don't do that, Bella. Please don't. _

She shrugged out of the jacket, and my heart literally stopped beating for about a second and a half, before starting up again in overdrive. She was wearing a light orange-ish peach colored camisole top, which was really tight and it kind of showed off her tits. Well, compared to all the other shit I've seen her wear. It's always raining here, or really cold so I either saw her wearing jackets, or tight sweaters with necklines that were a little higher. But since she couldn't always wearshirts like that, I'd stared at her ass, because it was usually clad in a pair of skinny jeans.

Aside from this royal blue blouse (the best color ever) she occasionally wore, I'd never seen such.... maximum boobage. On her, at least.

_Mother's ass Edward, quit thinking about clothes like a fag, and quit blatantly staring at her tits like a fucking creeper._

She was flipping through her notebook for an empty page, and the teacher was _still_ on the fucking phone if you can believe that shit, so I said the first thing that came to my mind. "You look... really pretty today, Bella." She turned to me, her mouth in a little 'O' that made my pants get tighter. Just a little bit.

_You asshole, she thinks you're only saying that 'cause she's wearing a boob shirt!_

Aw, fuck. Well... at least I didn't say something worse like 'love that shirt' or, 'you have really big boobs, will you bear my children?'

Bella bit her lip, blushing. You'd think she'd be pissed off, but maybe she really was flattered. "Uhm, thank you, Edward... you look really pretty, too." A second passed by and her brows furrowed, her eyes squeezed shut and her nose wrinkled when she realized what she just said. The sound that would correspond perfectly to look on her face would be the sound of glass breaking.

It was priceless.

I bit my lip to keep from laughing when she tried to explain herself. "Well- um... what I _really_ meant to say was that, err... you're pretty, but, in a like... guyish sort of way-" I decided to stop her there. The poor girl looked so mortified, and I had a feeling all the blood from her toes was traveling to her face, and I hoped her head wouldn't explode like in _Scanners_.

"Bella, Bella... relax. It's cool," I said, chuckling. "Thanks."

She took a deep breath, looked at me and tried to smile, but it came out as an embarrassing grimace.

"Mister Cullen?"

I looked up and saw Mr. Banner glaring at me, arms crossed. Dude, he's finally off the fucking phone? It's been like eight minutes.

"What grade are you in, Mister Cullen?"

"I'm in eleventh grade, sir." I rolled my eyes. I already knew what he was gonna say.

"Are you sure?"

_Nicely played, Banner. Naat. _I rolled my eyes to the ceiling and sighed. "Yes, Mr. Banner. I'm pretty sure I'm in the eleventh grade."

"Act like it. Quit talking to Bella and finish your bell work."

A few of the kids began chuckling, so I turned to glare at them. "Shut up."

A few minutes later, Mr. Banner started to pass out the test. When the kid in front of Bella turned to pass her the paper, he noticed her boob shirt and immediately started staring. I mean the, dropped-jaw-almost-drooling kind of stare. Ewww. _You're one to talk. You were in the same situation not even five minutes ago._ Still, I didn't like him looking at her that way, and she looked like she was about to fucking yell at him. "Hey Yorkie," he glanced at me. "Turn the fuck around." He gave one last lingering glance, and started to turn around real slow, his head still turned, though, not ready to say goodbye to her breasts. I was about to say something again, but then Bella threw her pencil at one of his eyebrows, and he turned around.

I chuckled at her, debating whether or not I should giver her a high five. _You are so gay._ Her pencil was on the ground, rolling slowly in between our chairs under our desk, and finally stopping when it hit my shoe. _Yes!_ I was about to lean over and grab it, when I saw Bella's hand reach for it. _The fuck_...? Her ass was leaning on the very end of her chair, so she could reach the ground by my feet. Her head was far too close to my penis-region, and I tried really hard not to think about that.

Then the most embarrassing moment of my life, and Bella's life happened.

Her balance on her chair was fucked and she fell off, landing on the ground on her knees. It was really loud, and a bunch of our classmates turned around to look at us. Bella's head tumbled into my lap, and when she tried to remove it but the top of her head hit the underside of our table, bouncing her head straight on my crotch. I jerked upwards, panicking, which made her head hit the desk _again, _sending her face on my hard-on again with force. I didn't know what to do, my mind kept telling me to scoot my chair back so she could move, but I saw down her shirt- a lacy white bra- and I was fucked. I couldn't move.

_You sure fucked up now, Edward!_ My mind screamed_._

She finally was able to get her head out of my lap by grabbing my thigh - which did not help my hard on situation at _all- _and slowly extricated herself out from under the desk. I looked at her face. Her cheeks were dark red, hair disheveled, a little mascara smudged from little tears. Everyone in class saw the whole thing, and was now openly laughing at us. "Shut the fuck up!" I screamed, which only made them laugh even harder.

Mr. Banner was red with fury. He'd seen the entire thing. "Swan, Cullen, to the Vice Principal's office, _now._ Take your things and your tests. You can finish them in the office while you're explaining to Ms. Jane what the _hell _just happened."

We took our things and left the room, faces red, trying to ignore everyone's scrutiny.

In the hallway Bella walked ahead of me briskly, and I saw her wipe her cheek with her hand, so I knew she was crying.

I ran to her and grabbed her by the fingers as softly as I could and turned her body to me. Her face was red and wet, a little bit of mascara cascading down her cheeks. "Bella, I'm sooo sorry, I-"

I was cut off when she slapped me _hard_ in the fucking face.

She looked me straight in the eye and said. "See you in the office, asshole."

_You deserved that._

I left in the opposite direction. To the bathroom. So I could go beat off like a crank snorting monkey.

* * *

I'm totally copying this idea from Tropic of Virgo by In. a . blue. bathrobe but who cares:

_What was one of your most embarrassing moments?_


	2. Lauren's Plan

**Thanks you to everyone who alerted, favorite-ed and the six who reviewed. I appreciate it. :)**

**But seriously, people. Please do not PM me just to ask a question about the story. Write it in a REVIEW. That way, I get more and my story looks cooler. HA. ****I aplologize for the suckiness of this chapter. I'm about half way done with the third one and I'm trying to make it better and funny.  
**

**Chapter Song: I Know There's Something Going On - Frida.**

**RECAP: Edward and Bella got in trouble and were sent to Vice Principle Jane Volturi's office during fifth period Biology. Bella left for the office, while Edward went to the bathroom to- well, you know. After he, err... finished_,_ Jasper came in to smoke and after some banter, Edward went to face Ms. Jane. And Bella.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer ist der owner.**

* * *

Having to talk to Ms. Jane about what had happened was almost as humiliating as it happening in the first place. She wanted to suspend us for 3-5 days for Lewd/Sexual Conduct in class- the dumbest shit I've ever heard- but after a little more begging between Bella and I she finally gave us a slap on the wrist.

Well, she gave _me_ a slap on the wrist. She saw how tiny Bella's shorts were and busted her for a Dress Code Violation. Bella had to stand up, her back ram-rod straight, and pray to Baby Jesus that her fingertips didn't go past the hem of her shorts. Whatever God that was up there decided they wanted to fuck me over, because her fingertips were almost an inch over the hem.

Ms. Jane, the fucking cunt, wrote up Bella a lunch detention for Monday and Tuesday. Great. Just... fucking great. I got excited over Mike getting detention for nothing. Because now Bella gets to join him.

_Fuck my life. _Ms. Jane handed Bella the yellow slip that her Police Chief of a father had to sign over the weekend.

She smiled eerily at the both of us, wishing me and Bella a happy weekend on our way out. As we left the Administration Office, I tried to apologize to her.

She cut me off with a glare so wicked, even _I_ was impressed.

"I do not want to hear it. I hope you're happy, because once Mike hears about what happened my relationship is_ fucked_. Royally. So you can take whatever bullshit apology you were about to spring on me, and shove it up your ass." She was about to walk away, but then she turned back around to face me. I hadn't even moved, my jaw still wide the fuck open. "Oh yeah, and thank you for _this_." She waved her yellow detention slip in my face. "This is exactly what my father - who's a fucking _cop -_ wants to see when he comes home." Her eyes tightened and her top lip hitched at the side. She reminded me of a rabid dog. For a split second, I thought she might tear my face open. "I should fucking slap you again," she admitted in a snarl, and then walked in the direction of the parking lot.

_Wow, _I thought in awe. _What a potty mouth._

* * *

About four or five minutes later the sixth period bell rang. I had to go to Study Hall, which was in the Library. Bella is a Librarian Aid for that period and I was thankful that she had ditched school. Part of me wanted to be angry at her. I mean, if she had just let me give her the pencil like I always do, than maybe she could've avoided almost getting her eye poked out by my Wang. Right?

Right?

Then again, I never pushed my chair out for her so she could get her head out of my lap. And because of that, Mr. Dick Water made us go to the office. If I had pushed my chair out for her, we wouldn't have gone to the office because he'd never have seen what had happened, and then if we never went to the office, Ms. Jane wouldn't have noticed Bella's shorts. And then she wouldn't have detention, I'd still get to stare at her during lunch, and maybe she wouldn't hate me now and think I was a total creep.

She would only think I was a little bit creepy.

As I walked to the Library, a few kids from Biology spotted me and laughed, or whispered to their friends about what happened. One kid - I think it was Eric, but I'm not sure - clapped me on the back. I wanted to eat his face off. By the time school's out, everyone will know about the Pencil Incident.

In Forks, word spreads fast.

In the library, I pulled out the Biology test that I was supposed to finish in the Administration Office and began working on it, trying desperately to keep my mind off of Bella. A few kids that sat around me would occasionally stare or cough or titter at me, and I just gave them wicked glares, a weak imitation of the glare Bella did on me. After I had finished my test I pulled a book out of my pack-pack that I needed to read for English class. It was something about some rape victim who cuts her lips and forgot how to talk. I'm not really into the book, and I have a feeling I'll end up watching the movie before I even finish it.

A piece of paper slipped toward me, folded hamburger-style. I looked up and Lauren Mallory was across from me biting her lip, her blond eyebrows furrowed. I rolled my eyes and opened it.

_I'm sick of hearing everyone else's versions, can you tell me what happened _Her chicken-scratch writing on the paper said.

_No. _I slipped it back to her, she frowned when she opened it. She scribbled another reply and passed it back.

_But I want to hear it from you and not other people_

_Go touch shit, _I wrote down. _It's nobody's business. And stop passing notes to me, it reminds me too much of fifth grade. _The paper made a very light scratching sound against the table as I slid it back to her.

"Hypocrite," Lauren whispered, her eyes on the paper. "You're the one replying."

I made a fart noise with my mouth in response. She chuckled and crumbled up the note, trying to throw it in the trash bin, but missed. "Fail," I coughed into the back of my hand. It startled a few kids and the librarian shook her head at me. Lauren snickered. "Who told you what happened?" I asked, suddenly afraid of the rumors that could be going around about me. _And Bella._

"Tsseeh, everyone. Jessica, Eric, that one fat kid that sits in the front of our Algebra 2 class..."

"_Jessica_ told you?" She nodded. "She doesn't even have that class!" I threw my hands in the air and Lauren shrugged. Jessica probably added a bunch of shit that didn't even happen. Spreading rumors is one of her hobbies. Bella and I are fucked. "I can't stand that bitch," I half-whispered, half-groaned. I clenched my fists.

Lauren sighed loudly. Her eyes started to study the faux-wood patterns of the table as her bottom lip pouted. "Me too," she murmured, her voice low.

I almost shit brix when she said that. "Aren't you guys best friends and shit?"

She shook her head. "We used to be," Lauren started to pick at her nails. "She's black-mailing me. If I tell _anyone_ her secret, she'll tell _everyone_ mine. And I can't have that. So, no... we're not friends."

"That's like... soap opera shit."

She rolled her eyes and smiled, "Ha. I know." Lauren glanced around to see if anyone was watching us and then turned back to me. She leaned closer on her forearms. "You're into Bella, right?" she whispered in my face. My jaw dropped and I looked at her in horror. _Am I that fucking transparent?_ Before I could answer, she said "It's not like everybody knows. Well, they probably do after today. But I just see the way you look at her sometimes and-"

"Oh my _God_, I like her, just get _on_ with it."

"Jessica's fucking her boyfriend."

"I know."

Lauren didn't look surprised. "Huh. Mike probably brags about it all the time, I bet. Anyway, Jessica told me on accident about a month ago and now I can't tell Bella."

"Why not?"

"Like I said, that fucking road-whore is black-mailing me. When she told me she's been with Mike, I went to go tell Bella. But she, um... she has something against me that's just... _horrible_. And she'll stretch the truth out and make it seem even worse and the rest of high school will be... just fucking Hell, you know?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "So... what does this have to do with me liking Bella?"

"Everything," she sounded earnest now. She glanced around again, a few people had their heads turned, watching us. A look of concentration on their faces as they strained their ears to hear our conversation. She pulled out another piece of paper and wrote something down. She didn't bother to fold it, she just slid it across the table to me.

_I want you to help me break Mike and Bella up._

I looked up at her in shock.

"Are you in or what?"

If Mike and Bella weren't together anymore, it would save Bella so much more hurt than if they stayed like this. And everyone would know how disgusting and inconsiderate Mike and Jessica are. They'd be exposed, and everyone would look down upon them. Which is exactly what I wanted. And I know Bella is pissed at me right now, but if I were to do this... maybe I'd have a chance.

I took the piece of paper from Lauren.

_I'm in._

* * *

After the bell rang, Lauren and I walked to the Attendance office. I gave my Biology test to Ms. Cope, asking her if she'd give it to Mr. Boner- I mean Mr. Banner-or drop it off in his teacher mailbox thing. She fluttered her eyelashes at me and said "Oh yes, of course, Mr. Cullen."

Lauren laughed when we left. "You got that woman so shined."

"Heh, I know."

She dug her phone out of her purse to let Tyler know that she'd be riding home in my Volvo.

Tyler Crowley, Lauren's boyfriend, didn't like the idea of me driving her home in my Volvo by herself- I guess Tyler sensed my creepy vibes - so he offered to drive us home in his van. It was cool, though. At least he cared for his girlfriend. And besides, my Volvo only seats five and I'd still need to drive Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Tanya home. But I disliked that van. It almost murdered Bella sophomore year! It felt like a huge blasphemy being inside something that could've hurt her, but... inside the van Lauren and I would be discussing something that may _help _her in the end, so...

Yeah.

Tyler was waiting by his big blue van, on the farthest side of the parking lot. I saw a mop of blonde hair beside him, smoking a cigarette. Jasper. "The fuck, is he coming too?" Lauren nodded and told me that Tyler said him and Jasper were gonna go smoke after school, so he'd be there too. We passed Rosalie leaning against my Volvo by herself. I handed her the keys. "I'm riding with Lauren, Tyler and Jasper. Emmett and Tanya should be here soon."

"See you," she said, a smile on her face. She loved driving my Volvo and she hated me and Jasper.

My phone chimed with a text message.

_Where the shit are you? And what is up with all the stuff I'm hearing about you?_

Tanya. Crap.

_Walking to Tyler's van. I gave Rosalie the keys to the Volvo, I'm riding with Tyler and Lauren._ I ignored her last question.

She replied fast._ I'm coming with you. Emmett wants to go, too._

"Hey, man," I said to Tyler as he unlocked his driver's door. "Do you mind if Tanya and Emmett come along with us?" Tyler shrugged as he opened the car door, muttering 'It's cool' and climbing into his seat and shutting the door.

"Oooh, I call shotgun, beetches!" I heard Emmett bellow. I turned around. Emmett and Tanya were approaching us. Tyler pressed a button that slid the side doors back. Lauren and I climbed in the back, but Jasper went around the van and sat in the passenger seat. When Em and Tanya reached the van, Tanya climbed in next to me, but Emmett just stood there and looked at Jasper with a horrified look on his face. "But, but- I _called_ it!"

"It doesn't count if you're all the way over there, Emmett. I was here first." Jasper stuck his tongue out at him.

"You sneaky son of a bitch! I called it first, so I get to sit there!"

"My ass is on this seat. Which means that it won't be leaving this seat until we're done driving."

Emmett looked at him, jaw dropped. "Oh, my God. I think I'm going to have a BF."

Tyler turned around to face Emmett. "There ain't gonna be any bitch fits in _my _van. Emmett, either get your white ass in here and sit the fuck down, or go ride with your girlfriend."

Emmett climbed in the back, scowling. "Sheesh, who pissed in_ your_ orange juice," he murmured as he climbed in, sitting next to Lauren. Tyler closed the side doors, turned the ignition on and started to pull out of the parking space. Jasper turned around and started to make faces at Emmett.

"Jasper stop, or get the hell out," said Tyler.

He looked at Tyler, incredulous. "What?"

"You can suck on my big black cock before you tell me what."

Jasper rolled his eyes, but shut up. Lauren turned to Tanya. "Are they always like this?"

"Eh, sometimes. But they usually act like that for attention." Emmett psshh'ed at her and crossed his arms, looking at the passenger seat with envy. My phone chimed again. It was from Rose this time.

_Wheres Emmett and Tanya_

I replied, _They're riding with me and Jasper now._ _Take care of my Volvo for me._

About a minute later, she replied. _Motherfucker._

"Hey Emmett, Rose is pissed. She called you a motherfucker."

He scratched his eyebrow and grimaced. "Oops."

"I guess you should've told her where you were going, huh?"

Emmett dropped his head in his hands. "Hey Tyler, you're gonna have to let me out."

"You've got to be shittin' me." He said, looking at him in the rear-view mirror.

"Rosalie is upset. And when Rosalie is upset, I don't get to fuck her for a week. I need out."

_Heh. Yeah right. Like she could go without sex for _that_ long._

We were on the Main Road now, and Tyler pulled over to the shoulder of the road. The side door opened and Emmett stepped out of the van, grabbing his phone out of his pocket to call Rose for a ride. I knew for a fact that she wouldn't pick him up. His fat ass would have to walk home. And when he gets there, she'll yell and scream at him for leaving her by herself, he'll beg and maybe pretend to cry, and then they'd fuck. It's like foreplay for them. Rosalie's mad, she takes it out on him, they make up, than **SEX.**

It's sick that I know that, but I do.

Tyler closed the doors once more and pulled back onto the road. "Alright, so me and Edward have a few things to discuss with all of you." Lauren announced, fumbling with her seat belt. "Does anybody here have a problem with Mike Newton or Jessica Stanley at all?" Everybody in the van nodded their heads, muttered 'yeah' or just talked about what waste-of-souls those two idiots were. "Edward and I have a plan," she squared her shoulders, looking as if she were about to present a project in front of a class. "Just in case you don't know, Mike and Jessica have been fucking each other for, oh... about twelve months. That shit doesn't fly with me, because Bella is a very good friend of mine. But nobody can tell Bella what's going on. Jessica, the demon-bitch-whore, will automatically assume that I told Bella, even if I didn't. If that happens, I'm fucked because she has something against me, and it's not that bad... but, well... yeah."

Tanya looked at Lauren, her eyes bulged and jaw dropped. I never told her about Mike cheating on Bella or anything. All the guys knew because Mike always bragged about it in the locker room in first period PE. Jasper turned and looked at Lauren, confused. I was the only one that didn't look at her as if she had just peed her pants; I already knew what was going on. Tyler kept his eyes on the road. I spoke up."What she's trying to say is that Mike and Bella need to break up on their own. And we are going to help them. We can't go and tell Bella because like she said, Lauren will automatically get blamed, and blah, blah, blah. All of us hate Mike, and we all like Bella, so... it'd be like a win win win. You know?"

"Wait, wait, wait. Mike and Jessica are still fucking?" Tanya's face never changed. She looked completely disgusted.

Lauren gave out a loud sigh, rolling her eyes to the ceiling of the van. "Yes. They fuck everyday after school -in Bella's bed, by the way- while Bella picks up Jessica's little brother from daycare. Jessica told me that she tells Bella that she has to go to work everyday straight after school-that's why she has Bella pick up her brother- when really her shift doesn't start until an hour after the time she usually leaves after having sex with Mike."

Tanya looked away, biting her lip. "How sad. Bella's so.... _nice_."

"Well, that's why we need to break them up. Please, just out of respect for me, just... don't go up and tell Bella. Even if Jessica knew that it wasn't me who said anything, she would go and tell everyone my secret. Mike and Bella need to break up on their own. And Bella will remain blind unless we start to sabotage their relationship. I need help. I know I have Tyler and Edward's help... but what about the rest of you? Is anybody else with us?"

Jasper turned around from the passenger seat. "Mike Newton is a butt-fucking loser and Jessica is such a backstabbing vagyne. I'll do anything to fuck up their lives."

Lauren grinned, her blue eyes bright from excitement. I glanced at Tanya, who looked contemplative, biting her lip and bouncing her leg up and down on the floorboards of the car. "Tanya, are you in?" I whispered to her. She looked up at me through her lashes, her strawberry blonde hair in her face.

Tanya thought for a second, than gave me a half smile. She nodded her head, her honey eyes started to look... _sure. _If that makes any sense.

"Yes."

Lauren heard this and bursted into an even bigger grin, almost a mile wide.

We pulled up into Tyler's empty driveway. The five of us walked inside his house, preparing to destroy the lives of Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton.

* * *

**Eh, I'm not too happy with this chapter but I promise the story will get better. And my spell/grammar check was being stupid, so I'm sorry for all the errors.**

**The more reviews I get, the faster the updates are!  
**


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